C25K Week 2 Day 2…Still waiting

At this point my runs are still terribly draining.  I am really looking forward to the day when going out and running 3 to 4 miles energizes me for the rest of the day, rather than knocking me on my backside.   No, I am not beating myself up. I know this is normal, especially given the circumstances.  But I can still look forward to when it changes. 

Once again, I worried today’s intervals would prove too much for me.  Especially since my eating has been less than great the last two evenings.  I know from past experience, what you put into your body the day before a run can really affect how you feel.  THANKFULLY, that did not seem to be the case today. 

Mist hanging over the field next to the trail for this morning's run.

It was really a great run this morning.  Probably the best so far.  I had a lot of tightness in my calves during the last 3 required intervals. Really need to work on my stretching.  But other than that, it was really good.  And of course Fort Ben is beautiful.  I love being out there. (even if the hills are killer!)

 

One of my favorite parts of the paved trail at Ft. Ben

After the 6 required intervals were over, we continued walking up the trail to get some hill work in.  I was also determined to get in at least 3.1 miles. We did about 10 more minutes of walking, then I felt like running again. We did another 4 run intervals with the last one being a 30 second “sprint.”  (OK, it was a sprint for me anyway!)   

 

Love being out there when the sun comes up.

Finished up 3.1 in 52:10.  So I KNOW I will be able to finish the AFM 5K in less than an hour.  Now, I’ve got 2 weeks to get stronger and a little faster. I think I’ve got a real shot at 45 minutes.

I'll also be a bit faster because I won't be stopping to take pictures. 

Dear Bloggess...You Are Not Alone.

One of my favorite bloggers is “The Bloggess.”  Yesterday she wrote a serious entry that resonated very strongly in me.  

Is it just me? 

This was my response to her:

 “Nearly 3,000 comments?  Looks like you are most certainly NOT alone!  Which might be cold comfort, I don't know.

The first time I heard the term "Imposter Syndrome" was last year. My sister in law, a psychologist, said I suffered from that.  I can never internalize my accomplishments.  I'm a 4.0 student?  Only because my teachers like me and I have a line of bullshit a mile long. Not because I study my ass off and most definitely NOT because I might have more than two brain cells to rub together.  My kids are happy, strong, independent, loving, empathetic, and smart?  It's not because I am a good mom. In fact it is despite the fact that I SUCK as a mom.  My husband still loves me after 23 years of this crazy shit?  It's because he is a saint and sufferers from "broken wing syndrome."  NOT because I am deserving of his love. NOT because I've earned it.  (I don't know if broken wing syndrome is a thing. But he has a thing for wanting to help "broken" people. Which is pretty damned impressive for an engineer)

So yeah, I am there with you.  The little voice in my head is one evil bitch.  I am working hard at shutting her up. 

Number of days I don't feel like a fraud?  Maybe 2 days out of a week.  When the planets align and it's a really good month, maybe 3 days out of a week?   So, somewhere between 8-12 days out of a month. But I've worked damn hard over the past couple of years to get it that high.

Depression and anxiety suck.  Add that together with feeling like your life is a lie and that you are a fraud...I don't know. I need a better term than "REALLY SUCKS”

The reason I am sharing this is that the more I talk to people, the more I learn, this is not terribly uncommon.  I am NOT sharing to be told my inner voice is “wrong” or to get pats on the back and compliments. Logically, I KNOW that voice is wrong. I know it is wrong because if any of my friends were saying these things about themselves, I would be able to clearly see and know that they were wrong. They are not imposters.  And I know that I am not so special that “my case is different.” 

The last 2+ years I have worked DAMN hard to silence that inner voice that tells me I am a fraud.  It’s still there and frequently it is the only voice I can hear.  But that is not the case ALL the time now.  Slowly, I am beginning to own more and more of my “good stuff” as well as the bad.  Slowly, I am starting to believe that my friends aren’t all so stupid that I’ve been “pulling the wool over their eyes.” 

How much of this imposter crap is due to dealing with major depression for 30 years? I don’t know.  I suspect there are people out there who are not depressed who also occasionally face this.  I just wonder if the depression makes it more extreme? Makes the inner voice louder?  

I do have to disagree with some of the comments from her blog. There were a number of people who said that “EVERYONE suffers from this.”  That is not true. I know people who do not. They accept their accomplishments as their OWN.  No, they are not jerks or super egotistical. They just know that they have worked hard to reach their goals. That being said, I think this “imposter syndrome” is much more common than those who suffer from it realize.  I suspect those people who we are sure “have it all together,” often deal with the same nagging doubts and feel like they are faking it just enough to get by.  I think we’d be shocked and relieved and maybe a bit saddened to discover who feels like an imposter. But at least we would know that we were not the only ones.

C25K Week 2 Day 1

Today started W2D1.  90 second runs and 2 minute walks.  

I was DREDING it! I was so positive that it would be a struggle.  Seriously considered skipping it today and trying tomorrow instead.  

 

Boy was I wrong!!!  This was the best run I have had with the program so far. (this time around) The lower temperature and MUCH lower humidity helped so much.  My heart rate was great, my breathing a bit easier, my recovery time was much faster. I was VERY grateful for the 2 minute walking segments. But even more than that, I know the cooler weather made all the difference. 

Also doing a little happy dance because I had my fastest split time since surgery.  14:53 for my 2^nd mile.  I was so happy!

I am well aware that it is not about how “fast” I am going right now.  The important thing is that I am out there and I am moving.  But I am not going to lie…the improved times…that is my carrot.  When I was running before, my fastest mile was just over 11 minutes.  I REALLY wanted to get that sub 11 minute mile. To see a 10:XX would have been awesome. 

So, that is my long term goal. I’d love be able to maintain a 10:XX mile.   BUT, that is many months down the road. For now, I will just be happy each time I am able to whittle a few seconds off my time.  

Well, THAT Was Embarrassing

Guess I could have made “People of Walmart” today had some jerk been standing behind me and thought to take pictures. *sigh*

I was walking through the store this morning and I noticed a friend I hadn’t seen in months so I waved him down.  We stood there talking for close to 40 minutes, mostly commiserating about our young adult children.  As we were standing there (off to the side, not blocking traffic), I noticed that I started to sweat. My hair was getting damp. The back of my neck was soaked. The longer we talked, the more sweat was trickling down my back and past the waist band of the pants.  What the heck?  It didn’t feel like a typical hot flash. I never felt “hot.”  I just started to sweat, a LOT.

Promising to get together soon for a game night or cookout, we went our separate ways and I continued shopping.  After a few minutes I started noticing that my pants were actually feeling damp.  On a hunch I made my way to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and nearly started to cry. The back of my pants were soaked. SERIOUSLY soaked! I looked like I’d had some sort of accident.  All the way up the seam and about 2 inches out on either side.  And there was nothing I could do.  Well, I guess I could have taken my pants off and held them under the hand dryer…and prayed that nobody walked in on me. 

As discretely as I could manage, I tried to use my purse to cover as much of my backside as possible. (It is not an easy task with a butt this size and a tiny purse! WHY did I start using a small purse???)  I left my cart between two racks of clothes and exited the store.  (No groceries were in the cart, thank goodness) 

Guess I am going to have to be very careful with the kind of fabrics I buy in the future. Had I been wearing jeans, it would not have been very noticeable.  Or, I could just make sure I always have a sweater on me. Something to tie around my waist when needed.  Ya know, I’d thought those days were over once the uterus was gone.

The joys of menopause.