Monday, November 11, 2013

Where I've been, why I haven't been writing, and why I really should be writing more.

I really do not want to write this. I want to be positive and upbeat and encouraging.  But I  do not have that in me right now.  And I resent the hell out of that.  I live such a blessed life that I have NO LOGICAL REASON to be depressed!  I live in an amazing country, have a great house, and belong to a wonderful community.  My kids are smart and strong and have very few health issues. I have a loving husband and extended family.  Very few financial stressors. My family never goes hungry or has to wait for health care.  Yet..the depression is there.  And it is far more than "everybody feels a little blue sometimes."  That I could understand. THAT I could cope with. It is this overwhelming sadness that I just can't wrap my brain around.

I have been dealing with some pretty rough depression over the past several weeks.  Had my hormone levels tested 2 and half weeks ago and my testosterone was down to 87. (when it should be between 100-300)  I can't remember my estradiol, but it was higher than it was at the last check.  So they inserted 1 testosterone and only 3 of the E2 this time.

I felt "okay" after that, but not great. Then last week on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I felt GREAT. I was sick on a couple of those days, but emotionally I felt really good.  I should have gone in to get my hormones retested. The doctor calls this my "feel good" test. They want to see where my levels are when I am feeling great. And then we would try to keep them in that range. 

Friday was a very low energy day. I was feeling a bit blue, but not horrible. Then Saturday was really rough. Not sure what set it off.  Anxiety in the morning, and just got worse throughout the day.  Even though we went to visit my son, I felt awful. Then on Sunday, things were pretty upbeat.  We drove back up to see the boy again, went to see a movie, and then took him shopping for groceries. I wasn't over the moon happy, but things felt "good."   

Today I'm feeling overwhelmed with depression and anxiety.  Irrational thoughts floating around. Nothing horrible, but the thought of renting a one bedroom apartment somewhere far away seems really appealing. Also regretting having the surgery done. Which I know is ridiculous.  Physically I am feeling a LOT better.  No more cramps, don't have to deal with menstrual cycles , and my libido has improved.  But the emotional ups and downs are more intense.  I've also been contemplating looking into antidepressants again, which is something I would rather NOT have to do. But, the doctor advised that I wait until hormones get leveled out. Which, logically I agree with, but dammit, I want the "quick fix." What I really need to do is find a good therapist. Specifically one who works with woman's issues.

I KNOW I do better when I am out of the house most of the time. Last month, the time I spent dealing with the death of my grandpa and the hospitalization of my grandma, I felt strong and focused. Which feels odd to me. That should be the time when I am overwhelmed. But I had a job to do and people depending on me.  

I do better when I am around people, (not a LOT)  but at the same time, I don't want to be around anyone. I also do better when I am exercising. But days like this, when I am in such a deep hole, it's damn near impossible.  

Something else the doctor said...stress makes you burn through the hormone pellets faster, which might explain why my testosterone level was so low. However, exercise helps keep the hormones level for longer.  Not sure how that works because I figured that with the increased metabolism from working out, you would burn through the pellets faster. But I guess that is not the case. 

I also just had a thought today. I am wondering if part of this is due to the upcoming holidays.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but with all the stores RAMMING Christmas down our throats before Halloween, I just feel yuck about the whole damn thing.  And no matter how hard I try, the memories of my childhood Christmases always out "glare" the memories of the last 25 years.  Which is pretty pathetic. And...maybe a post for another time.

With luck, in the next couple of weeks I will be doing a bit better.  I've been asked to help a friend out with the upcoming community theater production. In the past working with this group has really lifted my spirits. They are energetic and funny and I do love being around them. Feeling hopeful this will be a step towards climbing out of the hole.  At the very least, it will help me get through the next few weeks and through the holidays.