Pre-op Zombies

Mostly, I am staying in a good head space.  But every now and then I fall back on the nagging fears. Most are pretty normal and understandable. How much pain will I be in? Will I get sick from the meds? Will I have a roommate that snores or talks in her sleep? Will *I* snore or talk in my sleep???

Occasionally there will be the ridiculous few moments of “What if I wake up in the hospital and everyone is gone”…just like Jim in 28 Days Later, or more recently Rick in The Walking Dead.  Then I imagine a whole zombie apocalypse scenario,  with me trying to fight my way out of the hospital and I am pretty bad ass, until I remember I will be hooked up to a spinal that numbs my lower body and oh yeah…the 8 inch incision will not be conducive to zombie slaying. And I won’t have a 9mm handy and even if I did, I will have a 10lb carry limit, so wouldn't be able to haul enough ammo to make it out of the building, especially if I follow the double tap rule!

Thankfully, today has mostly been a nagging fears sort of day and not a zombie fighting day.  Just not feeling as upbeat and positive as I have been.  Worried about the pain. When it comes right down to it, I consider myself a wimp.  I can suck it up and deal with the pain when I am in public, but the husband knows the real me. He sees me when I am being a big baby at home. Thankfully, he accepts me as I am. Security blanket and all.

Tomorrow is pre-op prep day.  I plan to make it as positive a day as possible.  Treating myself to a hot stone massage in the morning. Taking the husband to see The Heat in the afternoon so we can laugh. (going to be a struggle though. No popcorn for me!) Then maybe a game of Apples to Apples with the girls when we get home. Then the fun stuff starts. I will pack an overnight bag and then do the prep with Fleets. Can't express my joy.

In other news, I have lost 8lbs since the beginning of June.  Weight is another issue I am sure I will bring up later.  I have about 60-70 lbs to get rid of.  Lost 40lbs a year and a half ago. 35 found their way back home.  (I stopped running due to an injury and did not restart. Got bogged down with stress and depression and turned to comfort food…blah, blah, blah)   SOOO…I have hopes that once I am recovered, I will restart C25K (Couch to 5K) and get my ample ass moving again. 

42 hours to go.

Pre-op: Hopes, Fears, and Lady Junk

Let me start off with a warning; although I will ramble on about family, school, photography, and life in general, that is not the main point of the blog.  I want to be open and honest, sometimes painfully so, about my hysterectomy, menopause and bHRT.   So, if words like vagina, cervix, dryness, ovaries, and sex make you feel utzy…you might want to find something else to read.   If occasional irreverent humor about the above topics bothers you, this might not be the place for you. 

Oh,  and if you are easily annoyed with people who post far too many pictures of pets, flowers, vacations, etc…run away, don’t look back. 

You’ve been warned.

Now, let’s talk about “lady junk.” (I LOVE my friends. Thank you J.C. for the terminology. This will now be a new favorite phrase and each time I use it, I will think of you and giggle!)

My surgery is 10 days away.  Supracervical abdominal hysterectomy (SAH) and oophorectomy via ~8 inch incision.  (SAH meaning I am keeping my cervix. I have no family history of breast or cervical cancer. I WANT to keep my cervix and my doc has absolutely no problem with that)  Really hoping for a horizontal cut, otherwise my bikini wearing days are over.  My GYN surgeon will have a colorectal specialist on call, just in case. Surgery is due to endometriosis. I have severe adhesions that are now causing issues within my bowels. Lots of stuff is glued together. Thankfully, my colonoscopy was clear, so the CR doc feels the likelihood of a bowel resection is minimal.  But he may still be called in to cut any endo spots the GYN feels is too risky to do himself. 

I won’t lie. I am nervous. In fact I am down right scared. This morning has been rough. More than once I have considered calling my GYN and telling him that I have changed my mind. That I am all better.  That I don’t need to have this done.  But I know that once I am healed, I will feel better and have more energy than I have had in quite a while.  

I have had issues with anxiety for MANY years.  So, me being nervous and losing sleep over this is no big surprise.  But in my quest to become an educated patient, I am making myself down right CRAZY.  Trying to wade through the extremes on either side of the hysterectomy and bHRT debate.  Trying to listen to the women in my life who have had it done and feel reassured that MOST of them have said it was the best decision they have ever made for their bodies. Trying to feel reassured that my Doc is one of the best specialists in women’s reproductive issues in the region. 

I DO think those things have helped me. But it is hard to balance that with the fear.  Fear of being cut open. Fear of not being able to produce my own hormones. Fear of problems that MIGHT come from bHRT.  Fear of loss of bone density, energy, and sex drive if I don’t use bHRT.  Fear that sex is not going to be enjoyable ever again just because my “lady junk” has been messed with!!!  I have NEVER had a terribly high drive, but I DO enjoy the hell out of sex when we have it. And I am terrified I will lose that enjoyment.  

On the other hand, I have read so many positive reviews from women who have had bHRT. And no, I am not talking about reviews on websites that endorse bHRT.  I have hope that my energy will increase. That I won’t be as scattered brained as I am now. That my sex drive might be kicked up a notch. (God help the man if THAT happens!)  I am holding onto those hopes pretty tight. 

I want to be well educated about my body and my options, but at this point, I don’t know if I am doing myself any favors.  Maybe I should just focus on meditating, keeping calm and prepping the house for recovery.  

Ah, who the hell am I kidding.  I will continue to obsess, not sure my body even knows how to stay calm,  and house prep…it’ll happen at the last minute, just like everything else.