Saturday, January 11, 2014

Still Fighting

Maybe Starting to Fight would be better

Depression has not let up. Hormone levels are higher and a bit steadier, but I am still an emotional mess.  In fact, it became bad enough that I decided to go back on anti-depressants before Christmas. That decision made me feel terribly weak.  Of course I would never let one of my friends say that about themselves if they had to take ADs.  But for some reason, I’m different, right?  

I really need to cut myself some slack.  I spend so much of my time feeling guilty. (I am good at that) Guilty for not being a better mom or wife. Guilty for not having all the answers to fix my Grandma’s situation. (another long story) Guilty for missing the past two semesters of school. Guilty for gaining back lost weight.   Guilty for things that are completely out of my control. Guilty for feeling guilty.  And guilty, so very guilty, for being depressed.

I realize a lot has happened over the past few months.  Physical challenges and emotional events.  Any one of which could trigger a bout of the blues. But all combined is taking its toll. Add to that, the long, dark days of winter. It makes digging out of this on my own overwhelming.  I should not feel guilty for needing to ask for help. Of course, I do. 

So medication and therapy it is. I’ve been on the AD for 3 weeks now.  It takes a while for it to kick in. I need to be patient.  Patience is but one of  many virtues that I do NOT possess.  Monday I start therapy.  That is going to take a while as well.  I think most people think therapy is just lying on the couch and spewing out your mommy or daddy issues to a shrink.  But it is so much more than that. (at least if it’s done right) It is actual work.  It is retraining your brain.  And it is not easy.

 I am hopeful, though.  I see a small light at the end of the tunnel. I am starting to make plans again. I am taking a class this semester, and I am starting to feel like writing.  I think these are good signs and steps in the right direction.