This is NOT how a mother should feel.
I have always
cherished the times they would hop in bed with me at the end of the day and tell me what has been going on with their lives. Teenagers are notorious for clamming up
around their parents. But my girls (and even The Boy) have always come to me. I
am certain they do not share EVERYTHING with me. I don’t expect them to.
However, it feels damn good knowing they trust me enough to ask my advice and
share so much of their lives with me. I
want them to continue to do that. It’s
important that they know they can come to me…always.
But right now I just don’t feel I can handle it.
They come to me so eager to share good or bad news. Or to
just hang out and read or do homework.
And all that is going through my head is “Please leave me alone. I don’t
want you to be this close right now. You are suffocating me!”
I hate myself for
feeling this way. I am sure it is due to all the hormonal fluctuations.
And I have only felt this way for about a week.
I KNOW it will change. It HAS to! But I am worried
that it won’t. And that thought scares me to tears. It is my job to be there
for my kids when they need me. I want
this to go away.
* The reason I did not add The Boy...he is not here enough to irritate me in that manner. Which is an irritant in itself.
* The reason I did not add The Boy...he is not here enough to irritate me in that manner. Which is an irritant in itself.
I'm feeling for you, but with not talking to you on a day to day basis...this is just an observation on what you have written and the details you have placed out here for us all. Don't you think that if a mother can go through Post-Partum Depression for childbirth that you could also go through something similar with what you've been through. I think yes! Ignoring it for too long can turn around on you and find you pushing other things away. It has only still been such a short period of time and the roller coaster ride is far from over, but keep yourself in check with using resources that are available to you.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs to your doorstep, for you to use when you're ready.
P.S. As you know, I'm only a Photographer...so the Prescription pad is not real. :)
Why the heck did I not think of it in those terms? Yes, the hormonal issues...but comparing it to postpartum. Make perfect sense. THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteHormone levels get checked tomorrow. 6 week appointment in 2 weeks/2 days. And I will talk to the doctor about it then. Certainly before that if it gets worse.
Planning to spend some girl time this weekend with a friend. So I am hoping that will help, too. House will be empty most of the time with the rest of the family at GenCon. Maybe the quiet will do me good.
It's the introvert in you...you've been expending energy and need alone time to recharge. Doesn't make you a bad mom, recognizing your need to recharge so you can help them makes you a good mom. LOVE.
ReplyDeleteI agree with CC - if you don't take the time to recharge yourself, you will not be the mommy they know and love. Give yourself time, love yourself. Sometimes it's impossible to be all things to all people (take it from one who knows).
ReplyDeleteYou got a massage to relax before surgery, maybe it's time to do something relaxing for after. If a massage isn't in the cards yet due to healing, maybe a facial or pedicure....something where you can close your eyes and just R-E-L-A-X..... Love you and miss you. -Aunt T-
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