Friday, September 20, 2013

Pre-Race Blahs

I really don’t want to be writing. Haven’t wanted to for days.  But, the husband said I should. The point of me starting this blog was to talk about what I’m going through with the whole menopause and bHRT.  OK. Fine. You’re right, Dear.

The past week (maybe even 2 weeks now) have been rough. More than half the time I am feeling blue. I have no drive and no interest in most things. I want to stay hidden. I want to cry.  I want to yell.  When I DO go out, it’s because I have forced myself to do it.  The thing is, there are times when I just CAN’T force myself. 

Please, please, please do NOT give me the “You just have to make yourself happy” or “you just have to make yourself do it” bullshit.  Because it does NOT work for everyone.  One of the WORST things you can tell someone who suffers from major depression is “Just THINK yourself happy.”   Because when they try and they are not able to do it, that is just ONE MORE THING they feel they have failed! 

I am not saying that cognitive therapy is not helpful. FAR from it.  It is vital! But know it is not as simple as “just think happy thoughts.” It takes a LONG time. It takes “retraining” your brain.  It’s not just a simple switch that you can flip on or off.  It is a total rewiring!   
OK. OFF that soap box.

I’ve also been a bit more snippy.   The husband has been irritating me.  He actually had the nerve to try to recommend a solution to a complaint I had the other night.  I was getting really mad at him.  When he wouldn’t stop talking I finally yelled “IT'S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL!!”  At least that soothed things a bit and we were able to laugh.

 Then yesterday morning, I got mad at him for trying to make me a ham sandwich.  WTH?  He was trying to be nice. He was doing something I had asked. But it wasn’t fast enough and I changed my mind and I snapped at him.   I did apologize.  He said he was sure it was the hormones and that I’m really not that much of a bitch. (OK, he didn’t add the bitch part. That was me) And that was when he suggested that I write about all yuck that I am feeling.

For whatever reason, I am feeling far more down than I did while I was recovering from my surgery. More irritable.   I think I got overconfident when I was feeling so upbeat emotionally (most of the time) those first few weeks.  Now, I guess the hormone roller-coaster is in full swing. 

Hell, this is Air Force Marathon weekend. I should be super excited!  But I’m not.  I had to force myself to leave the house yesterday morning. Yes, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and family, but I’m not excited or really happy about the rest of it.  I’ve only had a couple minor episodes of pre-race butterflies. I am hoping that changes as the day goes on. But I’m not terribly hopeful as the weather is looking iffy for tonight. 

This will change. Things will get better.  I know I was foolish to think that maybe anxiety and depression would somehow be surgically removed with the uterus. But hey, can’t blame a girl for hoping.   On the plus side, I’ve dealt with depression enough that I am not blindsided by this.  I can’t imagine how it must feel for women who have never been depressed to suddenly be swallowed up by it after surgery or once menopause starts.   

So now, time to force myself out of the house. I need to hit the bank and then go back to the expo to buy a couple items.  Retail therapy?  Maybe a little. But these were two things I’d already allotted for. (Don’t worry Farmboy, I promise not to go overboard.)