Not sure what is going on. There is nothing positive or happy about today. My pain is under control. I am moving more freely. My internal pipes are finally functioning. I SHOULD be feeling upbeat. I SHOULD be feeling that life is grand. But all I feel is depression and guilt and a bit of self-loathing.
Sitting back and thinking about it logically, I can see that this is perfectly normal. My hormones are out of whack and need adjusting. I just took my last dose of Percocet this morning and switched to another type of pain killer. I did this on purpose because quite frankly, Percocet made me feel a bit too “good” and I refuse to risk addiction. I am still pretty darned uncomfortable but pain is managed.
My girls go back to school tomorrow. My son starts moving his stuff up to campus on Thursday. My heart is breaking for my soon to be step sister who is going through her own physical ordeals and is far too young to have to deal with these issues. And this afternoon we found out that Farm Boy will be having his 3rd surgery of the summer…tomorrow. We knew it would happen, just figured it would be in another 2 weeks or so.
Feeling incredibly guilty and irritated that I have to ask the kids to help us. I feel this is a huge inconvenience to them. They have other things they could be doing. They should not need to hang out here to take care of me and their dad. I SHOULD be the one taking care of their dad. I should be the one taking him to surgery tomorrow. I should be the one holding his hand as I am driving him home. But I am in no condition to be driving, much less playing nurse maid. And that pisses me off to no end.
All of these things lend themselves to a pretty good sized helping of self-pity. Which does me absolutely no good what so ever. I know this logically. But today I just can’t pull myself out of it. So, I will just let it come in whatever form it comes. If I have to cry it out, so be it. If I have to throw things…maybe the kids can find something non breakable. If I have to yell, I’ll send the family outside for a short walk.
I am hoping tomorrow is better, but I am not banking on it. Girls will be at school. Hubby will be at doctors. It will be a bit rough. On the other hand, I have handled rough before and have made through just fine.
*RE: Farm Boy’s surgery. It is another out patient, Crohn’s related surgery. If there are no complications, he should be back to his training runs by THIS weekend. This is more invasive than say, wisdom tooth extraction…but no open abdominal. And he bounced back from his earlier two surgeries from this summer pretty quick. He’s a stubborn guy and is determined to keep his body moving for as long as he can. And I am looking forward to seeing him get a post 40 personal best time in his 10K run at the Air Force Marathon this September. He MIGHT even get an all time PR.