Not sure what is going on. There is nothing positive or happy about today. My pain is under control. I am moving more freely. My internal pipes are finally functioning. I SHOULD be feeling upbeat. I SHOULD be feeling that life is grand. But all I feel is depression and guilt and a bit of self-loathing.
Sitting back
and thinking about it logically, I can see that this is perfectly normal. My hormones are out of whack and need adjusting. I just took my last dose of Percocet this
morning and switched to another type of pain killer. I did this on purpose
because quite frankly, Percocet made me feel a bit too “good” and I refuse to
risk addiction. I am still pretty darned
uncomfortable but pain is managed.
My girls go
back to school tomorrow. My son starts moving his stuff up to campus on
Thursday. My heart is breaking for my soon
to be step sister who is going through her own physical ordeals and is far too
young to have to deal with these issues. And this afternoon we found out that
Farm Boy will be having his 3rd surgery of the summer…tomorrow. We knew it would
happen, just figured it would be in another 2 weeks or so.
Feeling
incredibly guilty and irritated that I have to ask the kids to help us. I feel
this is a huge inconvenience to them. They have other things they could be
doing. They should not need to hang out here to take care of me and their dad.
I SHOULD be the one taking care of their dad. I should be the one taking him to
surgery tomorrow. I should be the one holding his hand as I am driving him home. But I am in no
condition to be driving, much less playing nurse maid. And that pisses me off
to no end.
All of these
things lend themselves to a pretty good sized helping of self-pity. Which does
me absolutely no good what so ever. I know this logically. But today I just can’t
pull myself out of it. So, I will just
let it come in whatever form it comes.
If I have to cry it out, so be it. If I have to throw things…maybe the
kids can find something non breakable. If
I have to yell, I’ll send the family outside for a short walk.
I am hoping
tomorrow is better, but I am not banking on it. Girls will be at school. Hubby
will be at doctors. It will be a bit rough.
On the other hand, I have handled rough before and have made through
just fine.
*RE: Farm
Boy’s surgery. It is another out patient, Crohn’s related surgery. If there are
no complications, he should be back to his training runs by THIS weekend. This is more invasive than say, wisdom tooth extraction…but
no open abdominal. And he bounced back
from his earlier two surgeries from this summer pretty quick. He’s a stubborn
guy and is determined to keep his body moving for as long as he can. And I am looking forward to seeing him get a
post 40 personal best time in his 10K run at the Air Force Marathon this
September. He MIGHT even get an all time PR.
If you need me, I can be there in two hours! Just say the word!
ReplyDelete:') Thanks you sweetie. That means so much. I am going to try to get out of the house for a short time tomorrow. We will hit Walmart and I am hoping to get a small care package put together for my future step sister. I think getting out for a bit will help.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thank you so much the cards. You have no idea how they have brightened my days.
Oh, honey...kids having to step up. Don't beat yourself up. You raised them to be both responsible and caring enough to do their part when needed. Pat yourself on the back for being a good parent instead.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the kids don't mind a bit taking care of you for awhile because you're super parents.
ReplyDeleteThanks. :) But, kids are kids. Even the good ones roll their eyes and let out exasperated sighs when they really would rather not do something.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, Child #3 did not flinch when we said she needed to drive her dad to the doctor today (and that is a 45 minute drive in her dad's land yaht) And the boy did not sigh or act frustrated when we said he'd be the one driving his dad to the doctor for the surgery and sitting there for 2-3 hours. It's the small things that get irritating, I think. But, they have a lot on their plates, too.
Hey toots,
ReplyDelete"Permitting" the kids to help take care of us is an important lesson in life. One perhaps that they *should* participate in and not just watch. Remember one day *they* will have an S.O. who requires nursing. What better way to show them what to do then to let them help us now.
Plus my own recollections of that age was that this sort of thing was a bit of a mixed bag. Sure I didn't like the consumption of my own free time to do these things. On the other hand, it really made me feel important in my family and it also made me feel very "grown up".
Thinking of you both. I know the kids will do what they need to do and will not complain, afterall, they Love you and you did a fantastic job raising them (not that it's a job, it's a blessing). Plus, when I was young, my parents protected me from knowing when things were wrong (health wise with family members). Today, I realize they were protecting me, but at the same time if I had known more of the details, I would have spent that extra time doing things for the ones I loved. Love you all! -Auntie-
ReplyDeleteIf you need ME--I'm right here. Not working. Can help with something. Picking up or delivering (I guess you have two other drivers though). Just don't ask me to cook.
ReplyDelete